A dream is just a dream, but wow!

I'm writing this entry mostly to just record this so I don't forget in the future. This one I want to remember. I probably won't do it justice because it will be hard to describe the emotions I was having in the dream which is really what made it so powerful.

As you know, I've been convinced by repetitive visits that Colton's spirit somehow has associated itself with dragonflies. I see them CONSTANTLY! They've even started making appearances when I'm with groups of people now too. I never believed in signs or much of that "woo-woo" stuff before, but this one was just too hard to ignore. Ever since, I've decided to try and keep an open mind and receive whatever little gifts come my way.

I've always feared that I would lose that connection with Colton as time goes by. The fear has lessened a bit but I think it will always be there to a degree. We are approaching the two-year mark since he passed away and I continue to learn and grow from his life and his death. He profoundly changed me and I believe that is one way to honor his spirit. To embrace those changes and become the person I know he was put here to allow me to be. But still, as the days tick by, I often find myself wondering if I will really "feel" his spirit around me. I get that a bit when I see the dragonflies, but that is more of a playful smile as they flit around.

Last night I went to bed just as I always do, fell asleep and at some point in the night found myself in the most wonderful dream. I've had many, many dreams, but rarely (if ever) do they come packed with such a strong level of emotion and certainty of what it was about. Usually you have to wake up to interpret what the dream meant. Not this one!

In the dream I was standing in the front yard of the house I grew up in (in rural Maryland). There was a big tree outside my bedroom window and I was standing barefoot in the grass under the tree. I remember in my dream, thinking about Colton and then as quickly as that thought came through my head, the wind came and gently picked me up into a horizontal position. Imagine a mosh pit where you feel hundreds of hands under you moving you along over the crowd. This is what it felt like, but in a very gentle way. There was also the feeling of a little hand holding mine walking along side me as the wind floated me toward the back yard. I looked over and there wasn't anyone standing there but I knew, without any uncertainty, it was Colton holding my hand. I can't explain it but I just knew it.

The wind carried me back to where we had our family garden and put me down into the grass next to the garden. I remember feeling the little hand let go, but I wasn't sad. I laid down in the grass next to the garden. In it, was a pile of leaves and garden debris. It began to move a little. I laid my head down in the grass to watch. From underneath the pile came a little baby bird. It just hopped out like it was just born and then flew away. I felt such joy and peace. I felt connected and I felt happy. There was no question in my mind and the powerful energy I felt that Colton had been with me and he had orchestrated that.

Reading it without experiencing it probably doesn't hold the same power, but for me, it did. And I was the one it was meant for. I guess that answers my question about feeling connected! Maybe I'm turning into one of those "woo-woo" people but I'll take it. Wow!

CHOC Walk Time Again!

Hard to believe that this will be our 3rd year participating, but excited to see how our team does this year! We'll be there bright eyed and bushy tailed at Disneyland on October 17th! Join us or sponsor us to raise money for a great hospital, CHOC Children's!

Our team page is www.chocwalk.net/coltonskangarooclub. Thanks for your support!

Colton's 2nd Birthday

It is the night before Colton's 2nd birthday. Well, really it feels like his birthday because he was born at 2:55 am. :) I was traveling the last few days, which was good, it was a welcome distraction from the way I've been feeling the last weeks. I love to travel, but have a hard time with airplanes. I don't think I've shared with anyone, but about 2 weeks before Colton was born I was on a business trip and we had a pretty bumpy ride to say the least. For some reason I vividly remember that plane ride because Colton was insanely kicking each time the plane made a drop (we had lots of them. Summer, East Coast, major thunderstorm, missed runway, need I say more?) It was probably my adrenaline going to him but he was a kicking machine. Now, whenever I'm on a plane it just takes me back. I look out the window and see the clouds and I absolutely cannot stop thinking of him. Weird, I know but who can explain the way our brains work? I surely cannot. On my way back this trip, there was a ton of humidity in the air which made for some marshmallowey, puffy white, gorgeous clouds. It reminded me of the sheepskin Colton used to lay on in his isolette. Awesome. Why does everything remind me of Colton these days? Isn't this supposed to get better as time goes on? I had a hard time holding it together on the plane, but I did, just as I do.

I feel lately as I did toward the end of Colton's life. Worn out, weary on bad news and bone tired. I know its a phase and I'll work through it but I think this year is different than last because I'm not dealing with other issues. I'm not selling a home, looking for a new place to live and adjusting to life without a partner. All that was on my plate last year and maybe this year I'm just calm enough to really process what has happened over the last two years. But enough about me, it is Colton's birthday after all!

My beautiful Colton came into this world a fighter. We were told that when he was born he wouldn't cry. But he did. Imagine the tiniest little kitten mew and that is what his cry sounded like. Who knew that at 27 weeks of age he could have his daddy's fingers and toes? Who knew that I would cherish the hours of time spent kangarooing? No matter how crazy the day had been, I felt at complete peace doing that. Who knew that a little boy so tiny could smell so wonderful or have the strongest of grips? Who knew that those soulful, deep blue eyes would live through more medical procedures than most of us could ever dream? Who knew you could feel love like that? Who knew that if you poked him gently on his nose or cheek he would smile? Who knew someone that small could make such a stinky diaper? Who knew that something as simple as sucking a pacifier would make me the world's proudest mom?

Who knew we would have to live a lifetime in four months? Who knew a hospital would be his only home? Who knew we would have to only try and remember his smell and touch? Who knew we would have to let go? Who knew I would look in the mirror someday and miss the person I used to be? Who knew I would have a completely different identity two years later? Who knew that an ache could run this deep?

And if I knew all of this, would it have made a difference? Who knows. I am deeper, I am stronger, I have lost much, I have loved even more. I am who I am, all because of a beautiful little boy named Colton. What an amazing impact. Happy 2nd birthday my little love. Mommy hopes you are dancing on one of those marshmallow clouds.

Sometimes its just exhausting

I thought I should check in again since Colton's birthday is right around the corner. Once again, this "journey" has caught me by surprise. I was feeling so strong for quite awhile and while I think of Colton every day, many times a day, I was managing. I was looking forward, plodding along nicely. Then came July. I call it the start of "the season". When I was pregnant with Colton, just about everyone in my life was also pregnant it seemed. We all had little boys, starting in July and ending in October. Colton was going to have so many buddies! The first little buddy, Liam, turned 2 in July and I went to his birthday party. And so it begins. Watching all the other buddies turn 2 and wondering what my little boy would be like. That's right, Colton would be a little boy by now, no longer a baby. Don't get me wrong I love watching these little dudes grow and run free. In a way I see Colton growing through them. But at every turn it is in my mind what he would be doing, saying, getting into. :)

I am blessed with great friends who have Colton's birthday marked on their calendars and want to celebrate it with me. But I don't talk about him much anymore, it seems odd. And I know people don't ask me as much because they are afraid to bring it up or upset me. It's the natural evolution of things, I know. I appear on the outside to have it together but sometimes on the inside, its just plain exhausting. Living with grief literally drains the energy right out of you. As "the season" progresses and we near Colton's 2nd birthday, the irony doesn't escape me. The memories get fuzzier but in some ways the pain gets sharper. Yes, I manage it better, but it is so sad that the 2nd year has passed.

Which leads me to the other aspect of this that I struggle with. I feel like I don't have a place where I fit anymore. I don't get to have another child (at least not right now). I don't have any other children. I don't have a husband anymore and I certainly don't feel like I fit in with single people who haven't had any of it at all. Again, I am so happy to have friends that overlook these things and include me in everything, but sometimes, I take a step back and look around and feel so alone. Walking this walk by myself has been a very lonely journey. Doing it without a spouse has been very hard at times. I believe everything happens for a reason, but some of these happenings have me at a loss for reasons!

I know I am strong and this too will pass. Life moves forward, whether I'm hanging on tight or not. I share when I'm having good times and I'll share when I'm not. This just happens to be some of those not so happy days when I'm feeling a bit weary from this journey. But something will come along and lift me up as it always does. I live on because of my Colton and because when I see him again I want him to be proud that I am his mommy.

Mommy's Day Again

It's been a long time since I've written and that has been because I've really felt the heavy blanket of grief has lifted. I needed to take a break and begin to look forward at how my life looks now. Make no mistake, I will never move on, but I am moving forward. There is still not a day that goes by where I don't miss and think of my little Colton. I have to imagine that will probably be for the rest of my life.

I don't cry every day anymore, in fact I will go weeks without a tear now. Last year was filled with dread leading up to Mother's Day because it was going to be my first without Colton. I didn't have that same dread this year, but on the eve of Mother's Day I find my heart heavy and the tears flowing. I don't know if Mother's Day will ever feel right for me and its just something I have to accept. I have wonderful friends and family who text, email, call and even drop by with little tokens that show me they know I'm still a mommy, just now to an angel rather than a little boy. I'm amazed that even now, well after most have expected me to move on that people think of me. I am truly blessed.

I watch other mom's who are going through this Mother's Day as a first without one of their children. The pain is raw and deep. I see how far I've come, but yet it's still there for me too. I know how much Colton changed me and how his light will always be with me. I wish he could be returned to me each Mother's Day just for 24 hours. Wouldn't that be neat?

Last year I think I hit one of my emotional breakdowns. I remember sitting on the floor of my living room sobbing after I got home from Colton's spot. I felt so alone and so cheated. I've tried really hard this entire journey not to throw a pity-party for myself but that day I just couldn't pull it off. This year I'm not sure how tomorrow will be, but I have to imagine it will be better than last year.

So, tomorrow, for the second year, I will wake up without my baby on Mother's Day and have a moment of "why me" and then pick myself up, and go to his spot where I will sit and think about him and try and feel him close to me. I'll clean his marker and place fresh flowers and feel like I've done something for both him and me for the day. I'm sure there will be tears, as there will be every Mother's Day. But the thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way. A mother's love is deep and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you with chilren here on Earth and angels in heaven.

Colton's on Facebook!

It is my passion and my hope that 2010 will bring good things for me and for Colton's legacy. 2009 was a year of healing and while I still have a long way to go, I want 2010 to be a year of hope and joy.

We raised money early on for Colton's Kangaroo Club to be able to donate gliders to CHOC Children's NICU. That gave us such joy to know that we made a difference in the lives of other NICU families that I want to perpetuate that and made Colton's Kangaroo Club an ongoing fundraising vehicle. Through you, we will be able to champion those tiny fighters and help their mommies and daddies bond with them.

To that end, we have BIG plans for Colton's Kangaroo Club in 2010! We are working on a web site but until then, visit Colton on Facebook! Become a fan of his and get ongoing updates, photos of events and connect with other fans here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/pages/Coltons-Kangaroo-Club/247479423917?ref=nf.

I am excited!

Merry Christmas Colton

Just got back from the cemetary to pay Colton a visit on Christmas Eve day. I took him new flowers and his Daddy wrapped him up a little gift which we opened. We played some Christmas music and tried to make it a happy time, rather than sad. I have realized this year that it really feels almost as if its our first Christmas without Colton because last year was such a blur. I'm sure the pain isn't quite as great but the reality is much stronger.

We made it through Colton's Angel Day just fine. The day itself was filled with activities and love. I am surrounded by family, friends and support who continually allow me to share Colton and honor him with others. That means a lot. After his Angel Day I did feel a sort of relief. A sense that a last milestone had been passed. A lightning of the load that meant I had fully lived through every memory and emotion at least once. I know passing the year mark won't miraculously make it better, but I'm still standing. I might be wounded but I'm still here. I feel like I can begin to look forward and find my new path, but with a little buddy always with me. Its time for me to find a new partner and try to build a new family. Its going to be a scary journey, but Colton will be by my side, cheering me on. I know I can do this because I've made it through a year I could have never imagined.

I never wanted to have to visit my son on Christmas anywhere but in my own home, but as I stared at his picture hanging on his little tree, I do feel blessed and I can smile. It is moments like these that I know mean I'm moving forward. That on the eve of Christmas I can look at his photo and smile. I still miss him like crazy and I've learned to accept that missing him doesn't mean that I haven't made progress.

I will light a candle tonight for him and sit in front of my tree, playing Christmas music and picturing him ripping tissue and wrapping paper. It is the Christmas I can have with him in my thoughts.

I hope you all have a peaceful holiday and give a little wink to the stars tonight for little Colton. Merry Christmas.