7 Months

Hello my little man. Today marks seven months since you've been in heaven. What a journey mommy has been on. These months seem to just creep up on me and before we know it, your first birthday will be here. This time of year reminds me so much of you. I remember you kicking in my belly during fireworks on the 4th of July, I think you liked them. This year when I watched them, I just kept thinking of what an awesome view you now have. Times like that make me feel close to you. Oh and Colton, speaking of feeling close to you, guess what I got to do today? I got to see your CHOC family! I've been wanting to volunteer for awhile now and strangely (well maybe it was in my subconscious) I decided that I was going to go up for the Family Centered Care meeting today. I got to see Miss Marta, Miss Candice, Nurse Cindy, Nurse Roberta, one of your favorite RT's Man and many more loving faces. What a special day to see all of those people. I didn't tell anyone what day it was but it sure felt special to be there, after all, that was our home together for four months! Miss Candice brought me up to the NICU and oh, do I feel you there! Daddy reminded me, that you would be there holding my hand the whole time. Miss Candice pointed to a window and there was a mommy, kangarooing in one of your gliders. Colton, that filled my heart! You are so important, so loved and so honored every day. On a day that could have been very sad for me, I felt joy. And as time slips by and I feel like you might be forgotten, I got to be in a place where your memory is ever strong. What a gift you are, my beautiful boy. Somehow I know you had something to do with me going to CHOC today, so thank you my little man!

Until someday...

6 Months

From the darkest days to fleeting moments of peace, I have made it six months without my little Colton. It doesn't seem real that so much time has gone by already. I had four months to get to know my little man, to touch him and know his love. On days like this I like to remember what he felt like, and what a gift he was to me. Our hours spent each day together, rocking away, were so special at the time. I take comfort in knowing that he felt my touch, my arms wrapped around his little body and my kisses on his head. Colton was so loved and will always be so loved. I will always cherish our hours of Kangaroo time...

It's our routine, our special time. Skin to skin, mommy and son learn about each other. As we rock slowly back and forth, my baby boy and me.

His little hand is feather light tucked up against my chin. I hold his tiny hand in mine, and stroke his baby skin. The noise around us disappears, the clock hands creep around.

I lose track of time, cherishing each moment. He snuggles closer to me still, and scratches at my chest with little fingers and suckles with tiny cheeks. I love these precious hours so much, and cherish every one. Store memories up inside my heart for lonely nights to come.

I didn't know, all too soon I'd have to give him back, his body to weak, his journey too long. But until then I still have time for kisses and for song. Time for quiet hours like this with him cuddled in my arms. Where I wish he'd always stay protected, safe and warm. And yet the day has come when his tiny little hand, is no longer mine to hold.

We will be together in my dreams and I'll cherish these times as I grow old. As we rock slowly back and forth, my baby boy and me.

I miss you every day my sweet boy. Until someday my little love...

5 Months

Today is five months since my little Colton returned to heaven. I'd like to share a poem written to him by my friends Paul, Lori and Melissa Lorenz. It says so much of what I feel every day and especially on days like this.

The Gift of Colton

So many of us never got to meet you,
yet we feel as if we know you like family

You never got to come home
Yet home is where the heart is,
and you'll live in our hearts forever

You never got to walk in the grass
yet you left footprints on our hearts
and we will never be the same

You were only with us for a short time
yet you taught us life-long lessons about love,
hope, faith, and courage

We prayed for you,
We fought for you,
We loved you,
We miss you,
We will always love you,
We will never forget you.

In memory of a brave soul, Colton Chilla, who graced us with his presence for too short of a time, but will live in our hearts forever.

Thank you to the Lorenz family for putting these feelings into such beautiful and perfect words. To my little Colton....until someday my little pumpkin!

I am Colton's Mom

My precious boy. What can I say about today? It was both wonderful and sad. I think back to last Mother's Day when you were still in my belly. I had yet to feel you kick and yet to see your face. I had yet to feel your warm skin and yet to smell your wonderful smell. Last Mother's Day was filled with such anticipation thinking about this year and how it would be. We had so little time together on this Earth but I treasure every minute. I got to know your expressions. I got to know every part of your face. I fought for you every day you were here. As I sat with you today at your grave I wished I could hold you again but know that you are at peace. You had such a struggle when you were here that I'm happy you are resting. I am lucky Colton, because good friends and family are in my life to help me remember that I am a mom today and every day. I feel so blessed to be your mommy, to have had such a special boy. I knew when I looked into your eyes that you were an old soul, wise beyond the short time you were here. I still feel so connected to you, even now. But I guess that is because of one simple thing...I am your mommy. A hard day is coming to a close, but know that I would rather have a hard day today than to have never been your mommy. I love you so much. 'Til someday my little man..

4 Months

My Dear Little Colton,

I was told when you left us that some times would be harder than others. I feel like time should be starting to heal my heart and that missing you shouldn't be so hard but it is. Its so hard to believe that today is four months since you went to heaven. I miss you every day. The grass has grown in completely where you lay and we have passed another holiday without you. Daddy and I made you an Easter basket and sat under your tree. It definately wasn't the first Easter we imagined we would have with you. I go and see other mommy's and daddy's who have lost their babies and we talk about you a lot. We hear from people that the NICU has your newspaper article framed and posted. You make me so proud my little man. It is because of you that we were able to do such good things and feel so much love. But selfishly, I wish you were here. I feel an ache that doesn't go away, a sadness that lingers. I know everything happened the way it was supposed to but it is hard to understand the "why". Life goes on, time will begin to heal. I know this, I just wish it would hurry up! I will write to you again on Mother's Day. Until someday my little love...

Colton's Kangaroo Club - Delivery Day!

What a special day. We finally got to put all of your donations to good use today and were able to deliver the gliders to the CHOC NICU. We were greeted by my CHOC support system (Marta and Candice) at the loading docs and unloaded the gliders. We then went into the lobby of CHOC and met up with both sets of Colton's grandparents. We were taken up to the 2nd floor of the hospital where we were able to follow all of the chairs into different parts of the NICU. I was fine as we went into the hospital, but something about getting up to that second floor where we spent so many days and hours got to me.


I got to see all the people there that I loved and missed (because the staff there is truly wonderful) and it felt like just yesterday that we were there visiting Colton. In a way I guess it feels almost like we left him there. It was the last place we were with him when he was alive and we literally spent his entire life there. For better or for worse it was home because that is where Colton was. So, in a way, we went home today. That's what hit me as we were standing in the hallway waiting to go into the NICU.


We watched as the gliders were brought into each wing of the NICU and happy nurses and mom's got to start using them right away. We know Colton's story will be told over and over again. That makes me happy. As we made our way through, we of course got to put one in room 208, bed 4 (known to us lovingly as Colton's Corner) where he spent all of his stay except for a few days. How appropriate was it that when we walked back there a little girl, a micro-preemie, like Colton was in his corner. Mom was kangarooing her in one of the old chairs and we left her one next to the isolette. It was bittersweet. I loved the fact that we could see a chair in his corner. But to see it without him there was harder than I thought it would be. I felt like I should be able to go up to the isolette and see my little man in there, like time had never gone by.


Overall this was an absolutely amazing experience, filled with love. Sure we had our emotional moments but visiting the NICU was good. We saw wonderful people and felt Colton with us the entire time. Thank you all for making it possible for Colton to live on, thank you for letting us go home again, thank you for all the love that will be experienced in those gliders for years to come.


To see some more pics from our Delivery Day click here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/29664626@N07/sets/72157615737678667/

Three Months

Wow, I cannot believe three months have gone by since Colton passed. That's an entire business quarter, a season, a stretch of time that I couldn't have imagined three months ago. I look out my office window and the tree is popping out new leaves, signaling spring. It makes me sad to leave winter as there will be no more rain, my little comfort that reminds me of Colton. I am watching the babies that were born at the same time as him grow so fast. I hold them and imagine that this is what Colton would be doing if he was still with us. It is both comforting and sad at the same time. I know that Colton's little brain was so broken that he wouldn't have had a good life but I still want him here. I watch Donny hold other babies and it makes me tear up every time. He is so good with them and loves them, I wish he could hold Colton. I miss you so much my little man.

On another note, Colton's Kangaroo Club will be happy to hear that the gliders arrived! We are scheduled to deliver them to CHOC on Monday, the 23rd. We'll post lots of photos so you can see! Thank you again! The staff at CHOC is really thrilled about this and can't wait to get them. Love to you all!