Rough Week

This has been a rough week. I think it must be because there have been a lot of "finals". We had to proof Colton's gravestone and finalize it. We ordered the gliders, which is something we are so excited to do, but it feels finished. We deposited his life insurance payment. We took down all the blue ribbons that our friends had tied up all throughout the neighborhood. All so final. Maybe it just because more time has gone by and reality is settling in. I was walking our dog today and on the trails everything is so green and healthy looking and for some reason it made me think about Colton and how he never got to feel the breeze on his face or grass beneath his toes. I'm sad for him that he never made it out of the hospital, free from wires, free from needles. He had such a hard life while he was here. I only hope that where he is now he feels warmth and comfort. My heart aches for him and for those of us left behind missing him every minute of every day. I miss my beautiful boy so very much.

Rockers Are Ordered

Hi all! Just wanted to let you know that we have officially ordered the gliders for the NICU. We ended up going a little more high-end than originally anticipated, but it was needed in order to get the special fabric, etc. Thanks to all of your donations we were able to order five Dutalier gliders, with chocolate micro-suede with an espresso wood finish. They are custom made to order so we are told that it will take about 8-10 weeks for delivery. They will be delivered to our home and we will then make arrangements to take them into the NICU. We'll keep you updated! Thank you again to all the members of Colton's Kangaroo Club.

One Month

My dear little Colton. It has been one month since I last held you. One month since I last felt your soft skin. One month since I smelled the top of your head. One month has gone by so fast yet it feels like years have gone by since I looked at your beautiful little face. Life is slowly returning to normal, but you are never far from my thoughts and never gone from my heart. I am reminded daily about your special little life and only hope that I can honor you in the way you deserve. Daddy and I miss you so much. We love you always, our beautiful boy.

Kangaroo Club

Donny and I want to ackowledge all the wonderful donations that we have recieved for Colton's Kangaroo Club. Some of you may be wondering where we are on progress for that so we wanted to provide an update. I have been in touch with the NICU Director to make sure we follow all the rules, but we have made arrangements to deliver in person (we'll take photos) and be able to see them in the NICU which will be very special for Donny and I. We are also ordering plaques for each of the rockers that will note that the rocker was donated by Friends & Family of Colton Chilla. We want everyone to know how special you all are for making this happen. It will take a couple of weeks for the plaques to be made and shipped. Once we have them we will purchase the rockers and make arrangements for delivery. We'll keep you posted on the exact date as we get closer.

I want to take a minute to write out each of your names and recognize your gift. You are all now a part of Colton's Kangaroo Club.

Jodie & Tony Masciola
Gary & Cherie King
Brandon & Jackie Schaefer
John & Stacie McKeehan
Carol & Timothy Scovel
James Bracewell
Kathy Dare
Krissy Livingston
Eric & Anna Mae Tan
Melissa & Dean Gillespie
Kurt & Jennifer Fryling
Kristin & Gerald Ryner
Alan & Sherry Kwok
Erick & Annie Flores
Jeffrey & Carol Hirsh
Milan & Kris Chilla
Richard & Joyce Berzle
Randy & Sharon Miller
Diane McElligatt
Margie Anderson
Russ & Judi Schaefer
Right at Home
Larry & Melanie Yeager
Dan & Liz Ostrosky
Debbie & Rob Summers
Rob & Renee Babbush
Carolyn Babb
Debra Corsini
Jennifer Logullo, Tammy Brown, Marissa Snook, Jen Bippus
Anne & Sloane Stegen
SuMommy Summers
Sara & Michael Tams
Bob & Jill Wiltfong
Amy Skeen
Billie and Johnnie Wallingford
Dave Hadley
Merrily Orsini
Joan Hirsh
Janice & Robert Hunt
Kathy & Bill Garner
Rich & Julie Ostrosky
Bob & Floss Rahn
Katy & Chuck Philyaw
Candice Romley & Family
Pat & Randy Kunkel
Eric & Lindsey Ronay
Mike & Mary Smith
William & Chrissy Roland
Lynisa King & Steven Michalski
Dr. Howard & Jacqueline Groveman
Caren Kurlander
Alice & Bob Saunders
Dorian & Bill Sailer
Carla & James Petit

Thank you all again, you are truly amazing.

Remembrance

It has been a few weeks since I last posted and I know some of you are probably wondering how we are doing. Many days are numb, many are filled with tears. Sometimes I catch myself laughing like all is normal and I pause to wonder if that is ok. Around every corner is some memory and in every part of the house is some little token of preparation for Colton's arrival. Donny and I both say that the grief comes in waves. It is hard to see the light when you are sitting in the dark but we both agree that we will be OK. We know that much. I stumbled accross this poem and think it is so appropriate.

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Peace At Last

Our beautiful boy found peace at last yesterday. He was surrounded by immense love and support with all of his grandparents, his aunt and uncle and some of the most amazing nurses out there. I held him on my chest and kissed his little head as he went to be with the angels. I have never loved so deep nor had so much admiration for the strength of others in my life. While selfishly, I miss my boy to pieces, I am trying to find the lessons from his short little life. I know that I love my husband more, Colton brought us so close together. I know that I admire my parents more for the love they have given me. I know that Donny and I are blessed with the most amazing groups of friends who have picked us up and are helping us through this overwhelming time. I know that Colton was loved every single day by the care and touch of his nurses. I know that I was meant to be a mommy. I know that I look at the world through sad eyes right now but everything means so much more than it used to. I know that Colton was the greatest gift I have ever been given. I know that I have felt the love of my child.

In order to honor Colton and keep his memory alive, Donny and I would like to donate some rocking chairs and foot stools to the NICU. Kangaroo time (where we held Colton on our chest) was the most wonderful time with him where we could bond with him and for all parents in the NICU it is the most positive experience you have there. Colton loved his Kangaroo time because he could feel our skin, hear our heart beat and smell his mommy and daddy. The NICU is sorely lacking in comfortable chairs and are very short on supply. We are going to set up Colton's Kangaroo Fund to do this. If you'd like to make a donation, please send cash or a check made out to Amy Chilla and put Colton's Kangaroo Fund in the memo on the check, and we will make sure it goes toward this cause. Each chair will have a plaque on it with Colton's name. Our address is 5 Goose Pond Road, Ladera Ranch, CA 92694.

Services for Colton will be this Friday, Dec. 19 at 11am at El Toro Memorial Park. The address is 25751 Trabuco Rd. Lake Forest, CA 92630. There will be a reception following the service at the home of John and Stacie McKeehan at 8 Goose Pond Road, Ladera Ranch, CA 92694. We invite everyone who shared a part of Colton's little life to join us on Friday.

Heavy Heart

It is with a heavy heart that we write this post. As many of you know Colton has had a rough week and had many ongoing seizures. We knew in our hearts what path we were headed down. We met today with the neurologist and we were told that the damage to his brain was profound and that there was really no hope of him having any kind of quality life as you or I know it. Colton was moved to a private room this afternoon where we can be alone with him. We have opted to keep him with us for a few more days and then we will have the ventilator removed where he will go into a peaceful sleep. Colton will finally be at peace which is all we have ever wanted for him. We will treasure the four months we have had with him and he has taught us so much about ourselves. He is such a fighter and a little love. He made it to 5 and half pounds. Colton will forever be a part of all of us because each of you reading this gave a little part of yourself to him. If Donny and I don't get to each of you, know that your support and love were felt and known. We appreciate every kind word and gesture more than you all know. We will write a few more times on the blog to share some more thoughts as well as when the service for him will be. My beautiful boy loves you all, as do we.