Halloween Last Year

We've been decorating little Colton's spot each week for Halloween. Its always been one of my favorite holidays so, of course, Colton gets decorations! I was packing up some things in the house and came across a pile of clothes that I saved that Colton wore. On the top of the pile was his "I love my Mummy" onesie. His nurse Jami was such a sweetie last year and bought Colton his first Halloween outfits. His night nurse Suzie bought him his actual costume, our little football player! I wanted to post a few photos from last year of my handsome little man. It makes me happy to remember those days. :)
Until someday, my little man....

Balloons & Walks...October Marches On

What a whirlwind lately. Balloon release, A Walk to Remember, CHOC Walk, moving, work....life. We've had many events in October that have been centered around remembering Colton. It makes for special days and bittersweet moments. I didn't write on the blog this month on the 15th like I usually do. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I of course thought of him that day, but I forgot to write that night. Does that mean I'm moving forward? I don't know. Yes, I'm feeling a little more like myself but, again, bittersweet. I've been so busy lately that I don't think I've had time to feel.

I started out the month with a great balloon release and picnic with my support group in Dana Point. October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, hence all the events. The next weekend was A Walk to Remember at UC Irvine, where hundreds of families gather to walk for the babies they have lost. An emotional day but comforting to be surrounded by those that are walking your walk. They had music playing in the background and one of the songs from Colton's funeral kept looping, which I hadn't heard since last December. It gripped my heart and took me back to that time. Wow...powerful.

This last weekend we had the CHOC Walk. Such a fun event (although way too early in the day!). I had so many emotions standing there at the start waiting to hear our team announced. What a different place I'm in this year as opposed to last walk. We were still so hopeful last year. Colton was in the NICU and doing fairly well and we were walking for him, almost like his cheerleading squad. This year, so different. I loved that we can keep his memory alive by walking for him, but as I stood at the start I began to tear up, missing my boy. I'm so thankful for those of you that donated and/or walked. Beyond supporting a great cause, it lets me know that you still think of and love my little boy. That means more than anything, that he is remembered.

As October comes to a close, I have more events on the horizon. My nephew's first birthday party, Halloween, and of course, my pending move. Life marches on but my heart seems to stay in one place, with my little boy. I understand now that while I will move forward, I will never move on. I am forever changed and I'm learning to be OK with that. Its a strange acceptance to my new reality. I am mentally bracing myself for December and what it will bring. So as I take it day by day, I look for the little gifts my Colton leaves me. I smile and cry at the same time. This is a wonderful, exhausting, emotional, life-altering journey that I'm on. I'll close this post with a quote that was passed on that I know I've mentioned before and I hold very close to me these days:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain."

Until someday my little man....