CHOC Walk Time Again!

Hard to believe that this will be our 3rd year participating, but excited to see how our team does this year! We'll be there bright eyed and bushy tailed at Disneyland on October 17th! Join us or sponsor us to raise money for a great hospital, CHOC Children's!

Our team page is www.chocwalk.net/coltonskangarooclub. Thanks for your support!

Colton's 2nd Birthday

It is the night before Colton's 2nd birthday. Well, really it feels like his birthday because he was born at 2:55 am. :) I was traveling the last few days, which was good, it was a welcome distraction from the way I've been feeling the last weeks. I love to travel, but have a hard time with airplanes. I don't think I've shared with anyone, but about 2 weeks before Colton was born I was on a business trip and we had a pretty bumpy ride to say the least. For some reason I vividly remember that plane ride because Colton was insanely kicking each time the plane made a drop (we had lots of them. Summer, East Coast, major thunderstorm, missed runway, need I say more?) It was probably my adrenaline going to him but he was a kicking machine. Now, whenever I'm on a plane it just takes me back. I look out the window and see the clouds and I absolutely cannot stop thinking of him. Weird, I know but who can explain the way our brains work? I surely cannot. On my way back this trip, there was a ton of humidity in the air which made for some marshmallowey, puffy white, gorgeous clouds. It reminded me of the sheepskin Colton used to lay on in his isolette. Awesome. Why does everything remind me of Colton these days? Isn't this supposed to get better as time goes on? I had a hard time holding it together on the plane, but I did, just as I do.

I feel lately as I did toward the end of Colton's life. Worn out, weary on bad news and bone tired. I know its a phase and I'll work through it but I think this year is different than last because I'm not dealing with other issues. I'm not selling a home, looking for a new place to live and adjusting to life without a partner. All that was on my plate last year and maybe this year I'm just calm enough to really process what has happened over the last two years. But enough about me, it is Colton's birthday after all!

My beautiful Colton came into this world a fighter. We were told that when he was born he wouldn't cry. But he did. Imagine the tiniest little kitten mew and that is what his cry sounded like. Who knew that at 27 weeks of age he could have his daddy's fingers and toes? Who knew that I would cherish the hours of time spent kangarooing? No matter how crazy the day had been, I felt at complete peace doing that. Who knew that a little boy so tiny could smell so wonderful or have the strongest of grips? Who knew that those soulful, deep blue eyes would live through more medical procedures than most of us could ever dream? Who knew you could feel love like that? Who knew that if you poked him gently on his nose or cheek he would smile? Who knew someone that small could make such a stinky diaper? Who knew that something as simple as sucking a pacifier would make me the world's proudest mom?

Who knew we would have to live a lifetime in four months? Who knew a hospital would be his only home? Who knew we would have to only try and remember his smell and touch? Who knew we would have to let go? Who knew I would look in the mirror someday and miss the person I used to be? Who knew I would have a completely different identity two years later? Who knew that an ache could run this deep?

And if I knew all of this, would it have made a difference? Who knows. I am deeper, I am stronger, I have lost much, I have loved even more. I am who I am, all because of a beautiful little boy named Colton. What an amazing impact. Happy 2nd birthday my little love. Mommy hopes you are dancing on one of those marshmallow clouds.

Sometimes its just exhausting

I thought I should check in again since Colton's birthday is right around the corner. Once again, this "journey" has caught me by surprise. I was feeling so strong for quite awhile and while I think of Colton every day, many times a day, I was managing. I was looking forward, plodding along nicely. Then came July. I call it the start of "the season". When I was pregnant with Colton, just about everyone in my life was also pregnant it seemed. We all had little boys, starting in July and ending in October. Colton was going to have so many buddies! The first little buddy, Liam, turned 2 in July and I went to his birthday party. And so it begins. Watching all the other buddies turn 2 and wondering what my little boy would be like. That's right, Colton would be a little boy by now, no longer a baby. Don't get me wrong I love watching these little dudes grow and run free. In a way I see Colton growing through them. But at every turn it is in my mind what he would be doing, saying, getting into. :)

I am blessed with great friends who have Colton's birthday marked on their calendars and want to celebrate it with me. But I don't talk about him much anymore, it seems odd. And I know people don't ask me as much because they are afraid to bring it up or upset me. It's the natural evolution of things, I know. I appear on the outside to have it together but sometimes on the inside, its just plain exhausting. Living with grief literally drains the energy right out of you. As "the season" progresses and we near Colton's 2nd birthday, the irony doesn't escape me. The memories get fuzzier but in some ways the pain gets sharper. Yes, I manage it better, but it is so sad that the 2nd year has passed.

Which leads me to the other aspect of this that I struggle with. I feel like I don't have a place where I fit anymore. I don't get to have another child (at least not right now). I don't have any other children. I don't have a husband anymore and I certainly don't feel like I fit in with single people who haven't had any of it at all. Again, I am so happy to have friends that overlook these things and include me in everything, but sometimes, I take a step back and look around and feel so alone. Walking this walk by myself has been a very lonely journey. Doing it without a spouse has been very hard at times. I believe everything happens for a reason, but some of these happenings have me at a loss for reasons!

I know I am strong and this too will pass. Life moves forward, whether I'm hanging on tight or not. I share when I'm having good times and I'll share when I'm not. This just happens to be some of those not so happy days when I'm feeling a bit weary from this journey. But something will come along and lift me up as it always does. I live on because of my Colton and because when I see him again I want him to be proud that I am his mommy.