So Blessed

Yesterday was Colton's first Heavenly birthday. I felt so blessed yesterday. While of course it was a sad day that Colton wasn't with us, the thoughts, well wishes and sweet touches made a for a special day. We went to the cemetary and decorated Colton's spot.

Some of Colton's Auntie's came to do a balloon release and have cupcakes in his honor. We sent the balloons to heaven with our wishes for Colton to have a peaceful and happy birthday. We felt so much love and enjoyed spending time with everyone and talking about Colton. The emails, Facebook messages and cards all meant so much. The support we feel every day from our friends and family is so wonderful.

That evening I went to my support group that I attend twice a month. We had a celebration there as well for Colton. The gifts I received were so thoughtful and so personal. Even though he isn't with us on Earth, he is with us in spirit and I know Colton's spirit was full of love and joy yesterday.

For more pictures of his birthday celebrations and cute photos of my nephew eating Colton's bday cake visit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/29664626@N07/sets/72157621955394017/

Happy 1st Birthday my little man. Until someday...

Labor a year ago

Last I left Colton's story, they had stopped labor. The days following were fairly uneventful, albeit uncomfortable. After about five days on the Mag I started to have real problems. I couldn’t breathe, every breath was like a knife in my shoulders. I couldn’t sleep from the pain. I was so tired and hopped up on meds that I was completely emotional. I felt helpless and looking ahead and how many weeks, I didn’t know how I was going to do it. That day the docs told me that they wanted me off the mag as it wasn’t a long term solution and my health was deteriorating. I panicked. I just knew that taking me off the mag was going to send me into labor. I expressed my concerns but they said there was no choice and they had other drugs to try. I had been doing well and they didn’t see any reason why I would go into labor.

They took me off mag, let me up for a shower and took out the cath. I felt like a new woman! The sense of relief and instant human-ness was great. If I could stay like this for the next weeks, I would be a-ok. I had my first decent night’s sleep (save nurses checking in on me every few hours). The next day I awoke feeling like I could get some work done and had a positive outlook. About 1pm I started to feel slightly crampy again. I said something to the nurse and she insisted that my contraction monitor wasn’t picking anything up. The day progressed, I continued feeling crampy. I asked several more times to move the monitor, etc. Nothing. I ate dinner at 6 and was really starting to get crampy. At shift change my new nurse came in (someone I knew from previous night) and told her that I didn’t feel right, and didn’t think the monitor was picking up right. She moved my monitor and instantly picked up contractions. I was so angry! If we had caught this 5 hours before we could have gotten on some meds early instead of chasing labor the rest of the night.

They checked me and I was still at 3cm. Good. Put me on oral tributalene extra dose. I felt like a crack addict. I started watching the printout from the contraction monitor like a hawk. An hour goes by, no change. They inject with me IV tributalene. Really feel like a crack addict. Shaking, heart racing. They wait another hour, no change. I’m dilated to 4cm at this point. Time for the mag. They have to try and cath me twice and give me a double loading dose of mag. I instantly throw up dinner and continue to vomit in between contractions. I’m in active labor now and am gripping the bed through each contraction. This is what I imagined labor would feel like. They give me more tributalene and keep the mag drip high. They won’t give me anything for the pain, I just have to grit my teeth through it. I am amazed at how fast time goes by. I look up and its almost 11pm. They check me again and I’m at 6cm. Not good. Nurse seems to be getting worried. I’m worried, but can’t really focus on anything other than the pain. Maybe that’s a good thing? I tell my husband to call the families, because in my gut I know what’s going to happen. There is nothing left to give me at this point except more of the same drugs. I’m shaking violently, I’m throwing up, I’m in excruciating pain, I feel like I’m on crack and I can’t see straight. I felt so awful that I finally told my husband that I didn’t think I could do this anymore. I’m strong, but not this strong. The nurse checks me again (am getting no relief from contractions anymore) and says that I’m at 10cm. Stupidly I ask what that means. She says, you are having this baby. Like anything could be any more surreal at this point, it is. About 7 nurses, 3 docs enter the room. I feel like it’s an onslaught. I ask if I can have an epidural and they actually say yes. The anesthesiologist has to do it w/ me lying down. As soon as those meds were on board I felt really weird like I was going to pass out. So, they give me more drugs, load me with ephedrine to raise my blood pressure. I started to feel the effects of the epidural in a good way. Didn’t get rid of the pain, but took the edge off. Things were moving fast, they moved me into a delivery bed and told me to push. Again, didn’t have time to process, just had to act. I pushed for a half hour and nothing. The docs all left because they thought he was going to come slowly. Only took about two more pushes and he was on his way. So another mad rush to get everyone back in the room.

We had asked before what to expect. We were told not to expect much as he is very early. He wouldn’t cry, we wouldn’t hold him, etc. I think I expected something that didn’t even look much like a baby. Colton came out and instantly cried. It sounded like a cat’s meow. I couldn’t cry. I don’t know what I was even feeling at that point. I just craned my neck to try and see what they were doing to him. They were trying to intubate him and were having some trouble. But I kept hearing things about good color and high Apgar scores. They whisked him away to the NICU while they kept working on me. I think I was in shock.

We were able to go see Colton at about 4am in the NICU. I was wheeled up and we saw him in the isolette. He was so tiny at 2 lbs. (but big by their standards) but looked like a perfectly formed, little baby. Nothing appeared wrong and we were told how well he was doing. It was a strangely peaceful few hours after that. We were naively optimistic and already deeply in love with our little Colton.

I reflect on this, on the eve of his birthday. Colton came into this world, already a fighter!

Doing His Work

There is so much sadness surrounding a loss. There is a hole in my heart that I know will never go away, no mater how much happiness I will go on to find. I've had a hard time this week anticipating Colton's birthday, remembering my hospital stay and reliving the moments that led to his birth. I'm trying to feel the things I wasn't able to last year so I can be in the moment and hopefully continue to heal and move along on my journey. But, that sadness has brought with it some huge gifts. Today was a great example of those gifts.

I went to visit Colton today to do my usual Thursday flower drop-off. I met my friend Kristen, who's son is also buried by Colton. Kristen is such a gentle soul, overflowing with warmth and compassion. She has walked my walk and is such a source of strength. I've never been one to "need" people. I've always been fiercely independent and never liked to rely on others. Through the loss of Colton, I have had to learn to accept what others offer and ask for help. I believe that losing Colton has made me a better person. I know I will never be that same person I used to be, but that's ok. I think I'm a better version of myself. I know that gift comes from Colton. There are times when I believe he plays such an active role in making things happen.

While Kristen and I were visiting our boys today, we saw a family pull up to the baby section. This is never a good sign, because we knew that they had lost their child. As the family walked the cemetary, clearly in shock and draped in grief, Kristen and I both looked at each other and knew what a hard journey they had ahead of them. As time went by, various family members came up to us to inquire if we had children there and to share with us about their precious Hailey, who they had lost only two days ago. We spoke with both mom and dad and shared hugs, tears and stories about our children. There is an immediate bond that is felt among parents who have lost children. I walked away today from visiting Colton and realized that he is doing his work from heaven. He helps bring together a special group of people, allows me to forge new relationships with special people I would not have otherwise met. He allows me to share his story with others who truly appreciate his spirit. My little man does so much for me, he reaches his hand down from heaven and guides me.

August 11th, a turning point

You'll probably see a lot from me over the next week or so in terms of new entries. This next week is full of milestones we had with Colton and I feel the need to write about them. One year ago today was the day that I was admitted into the hospital with pre-term labor. Its strange to me that a day can be so engrained in your memory when it started out so ordinary. August 11, 2008 was a Monday. We had spent time with Donny's family the day before and I recall being really tired that evening. I woke up on Monday morning feeling "off". I couldn't put my finger on it, still can't today, but just felt kind of wierd. I worked for a couple of hours that morning answering emails and doing some tasks, but at about 10:30 am I went downstairs and sat on the couch. Just couldn't concentrate on work and attributed it to being tired from the day before. I fell asleep and took a couple hour nap. When I woke up I had to go to the bathroom. Now, without getting too graphic (those of you who are women and have had children know what I'm talking about!) my body was obviously trying to clean itself out. That was my first eyebrow raise. Just because I'd been around so many pregnant women, I had heard the stories. But I thought in my head, ok, I'm 26 weeks pregnant, this is just a fluke. As the afternoon wore on I started feeling a bit crampy, but really nothing out of the ordinary. I attributed it to the walk I had taken the day before. At about 5pm I started feeling the cramps at an almost regular interval...odd. In my head I'm still saying, its nothing, I'm 26 weeks pregnant! I called my mom and after telling her what was going on she told me that I was in labor. I told her, no way. I'd heard about labor and I envisioned doubling over pain and losing the ability to talk. She convinced me to call the doctor and see. So I made the call and the doctor said I was too early in the pregnancy to be having those symptoms so I should come on into the hospital and they would hook me up to a fetal monitor and see if I was having contractions.

Donny and I made the 5 minute drive to the hospital and even then, I expected to be told I was the crazy preggo and they would send me home in a couple of hours. The events that unfolded were shocking, to say the least. They admitted me into Labor and Delivery to check me. The monitor picked up that I was having contractions (still not what I expected) and they checked me internally to find that I was not dialated, phew! They gave me an oral dose of Tributalene (sp?) to stop the contractions and we waited about 1/2 hour. Nada, contractions continued. They checked me internally again, 2 cm dialated. Not good. They gave me a shot next to stop the contractions. That stuff makes you so jittery and your heart races. We wait. Doctor gets called in and checks me. 3cm, really not good. Once you go to 4cm you are in active labor and its really, really hard to stop. They tell me that they have to dose me with Magnesium. Lord, I had no idea what that really meant. Worst drug ever. First they have to give you a catheter because they have to monitor your fluid input/output so carefully, and in my case, because I was no longer going to be getting out of bed at all. They did a loading dose of Magnesium which immediately sends a massive wave of nausea and makes your eyes go blurry (you literally cannot focus) and you get hot and more thirsty than you have ever been in your life. They also proceeded with the Steriod shot in the butt in case Colton did come that evening. It is a 48 hour course they give to try and give rapid development to the baby's lungs. After being poked, prodded, checked and re-checked I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not be going home the rest of the pregnancy and they were going to try their best to get me to 32 weeks.

I'm telling you at this point, I really just feel like I'm in a dream. Who is this really happening to? Finally at about 2am my contractions die down and I have officially stopped at 3cm dialated where I will stay for the next week. I'm hoping and praying that the crisis has been averted, for now.