Sometimes its just exhausting

I thought I should check in again since Colton's birthday is right around the corner. Once again, this "journey" has caught me by surprise. I was feeling so strong for quite awhile and while I think of Colton every day, many times a day, I was managing. I was looking forward, plodding along nicely. Then came July. I call it the start of "the season". When I was pregnant with Colton, just about everyone in my life was also pregnant it seemed. We all had little boys, starting in July and ending in October. Colton was going to have so many buddies! The first little buddy, Liam, turned 2 in July and I went to his birthday party. And so it begins. Watching all the other buddies turn 2 and wondering what my little boy would be like. That's right, Colton would be a little boy by now, no longer a baby. Don't get me wrong I love watching these little dudes grow and run free. In a way I see Colton growing through them. But at every turn it is in my mind what he would be doing, saying, getting into. :)

I am blessed with great friends who have Colton's birthday marked on their calendars and want to celebrate it with me. But I don't talk about him much anymore, it seems odd. And I know people don't ask me as much because they are afraid to bring it up or upset me. It's the natural evolution of things, I know. I appear on the outside to have it together but sometimes on the inside, its just plain exhausting. Living with grief literally drains the energy right out of you. As "the season" progresses and we near Colton's 2nd birthday, the irony doesn't escape me. The memories get fuzzier but in some ways the pain gets sharper. Yes, I manage it better, but it is so sad that the 2nd year has passed.

Which leads me to the other aspect of this that I struggle with. I feel like I don't have a place where I fit anymore. I don't get to have another child (at least not right now). I don't have any other children. I don't have a husband anymore and I certainly don't feel like I fit in with single people who haven't had any of it at all. Again, I am so happy to have friends that overlook these things and include me in everything, but sometimes, I take a step back and look around and feel so alone. Walking this walk by myself has been a very lonely journey. Doing it without a spouse has been very hard at times. I believe everything happens for a reason, but some of these happenings have me at a loss for reasons!

I know I am strong and this too will pass. Life moves forward, whether I'm hanging on tight or not. I share when I'm having good times and I'll share when I'm not. This just happens to be some of those not so happy days when I'm feeling a bit weary from this journey. But something will come along and lift me up as it always does. I live on because of my Colton and because when I see him again I want him to be proud that I am his mommy.