Mommy's Day Again

It's been a long time since I've written and that has been because I've really felt the heavy blanket of grief has lifted. I needed to take a break and begin to look forward at how my life looks now. Make no mistake, I will never move on, but I am moving forward. There is still not a day that goes by where I don't miss and think of my little Colton. I have to imagine that will probably be for the rest of my life.

I don't cry every day anymore, in fact I will go weeks without a tear now. Last year was filled with dread leading up to Mother's Day because it was going to be my first without Colton. I didn't have that same dread this year, but on the eve of Mother's Day I find my heart heavy and the tears flowing. I don't know if Mother's Day will ever feel right for me and its just something I have to accept. I have wonderful friends and family who text, email, call and even drop by with little tokens that show me they know I'm still a mommy, just now to an angel rather than a little boy. I'm amazed that even now, well after most have expected me to move on that people think of me. I am truly blessed.

I watch other mom's who are going through this Mother's Day as a first without one of their children. The pain is raw and deep. I see how far I've come, but yet it's still there for me too. I know how much Colton changed me and how his light will always be with me. I wish he could be returned to me each Mother's Day just for 24 hours. Wouldn't that be neat?

Last year I think I hit one of my emotional breakdowns. I remember sitting on the floor of my living room sobbing after I got home from Colton's spot. I felt so alone and so cheated. I've tried really hard this entire journey not to throw a pity-party for myself but that day I just couldn't pull it off. This year I'm not sure how tomorrow will be, but I have to imagine it will be better than last year.

So, tomorrow, for the second year, I will wake up without my baby on Mother's Day and have a moment of "why me" and then pick myself up, and go to his spot where I will sit and think about him and try and feel him close to me. I'll clean his marker and place fresh flowers and feel like I've done something for both him and me for the day. I'm sure there will be tears, as there will be every Mother's Day. But the thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way. A mother's love is deep and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you with chilren here on Earth and angels in heaven.