Hours with Colton

I've been very busy today, filled with work and to-do's but the back of my brain is filled with the memories of what today last year was like. This was the last "full day" we had with Colton. It was pretty amazing.

Colton at this point was pretty much drugged to the max in order to keep the siezures under control. In fact, they had to give him a paralytic so he would tolerate being moved from his isolette to kangaroo. It was not an easy process by any means, but the nurses and RT's would do anything for us. Nobody other than myself and Donny had held him the entire four months. We always thought we had time later. Well, we wanted his grandmas to get to hold him. So on this day, Colton shared special moments with both his grandmas and his aunt. They got to hold him, smell him and feel his warmth. It was the epitomy of bittersweet. I was so proud to see him held by my mom but it never left me that this was the only time I would ever see that.

Colton got shared that day with his family and I feel thankful that he had that time with them. After everyone left for the day, Colton and I got some time alone. Just me and him. It was the first time in days that we had totally alone time. We rocked and I leaned my cheek on his head, closed my eyes and held him tight. I had his flat teddy with us and a blanket and it was so cozy and warm. Throughout Colton's life I always felt so at peace when I held him and rocked. No matter what else was going on, if he was having a bad day or I was, it all melted away when we kangarooed. I haven't had that feeling since and I so miss it. Just hours of peace and love and warmth. I felt like I was protecting him, that my arms wrapped around him would keep out all the bad stuff. I felt like he was cozy and warm and could hear my heart beat like when he was still inside.

As we rocked, even knowing that it was one of the last times I would ever do this with him, I still felt that sense of peace. All was calm, all was right. As we rocked something made me open my eyes and look down at his face. There was my little Colton, drugged up to the max, looking up with his eyes wide open. We hadn't seen his eyes open in days. When he looked at me I immediately felt this sense of "it's ok mommy, I'm ready to go." I remember saying, "hi baby! I miss those eyes!". He stayed awake for a few minutes and then drifted back off to sleep again. I had been second guessing our decision all day and it really felt like he was giving me a sign that it was ok.

Donny came in about 10 that night to take over and I passed Colton over to his daddy. I went him to prepare for the long day ahead. When Donny got home in the middle of the night, he said to me, "Colton opened his eyes and looked at me and it felt like he was telling me goodbye." I melted. Donny and I hadn't discussed that Colton had opened his eyes for me at all, nor had we talked about how I felt. It was just another of Colton's little gifts of peace.