Merry Christmas Colton

Just got back from the cemetary to pay Colton a visit on Christmas Eve day. I took him new flowers and his Daddy wrapped him up a little gift which we opened. We played some Christmas music and tried to make it a happy time, rather than sad. I have realized this year that it really feels almost as if its our first Christmas without Colton because last year was such a blur. I'm sure the pain isn't quite as great but the reality is much stronger.

We made it through Colton's Angel Day just fine. The day itself was filled with activities and love. I am surrounded by family, friends and support who continually allow me to share Colton and honor him with others. That means a lot. After his Angel Day I did feel a sort of relief. A sense that a last milestone had been passed. A lightning of the load that meant I had fully lived through every memory and emotion at least once. I know passing the year mark won't miraculously make it better, but I'm still standing. I might be wounded but I'm still here. I feel like I can begin to look forward and find my new path, but with a little buddy always with me. Its time for me to find a new partner and try to build a new family. Its going to be a scary journey, but Colton will be by my side, cheering me on. I know I can do this because I've made it through a year I could have never imagined.

I never wanted to have to visit my son on Christmas anywhere but in my own home, but as I stared at his picture hanging on his little tree, I do feel blessed and I can smile. It is moments like these that I know mean I'm moving forward. That on the eve of Christmas I can look at his photo and smile. I still miss him like crazy and I've learned to accept that missing him doesn't mean that I haven't made progress.

I will light a candle tonight for him and sit in front of my tree, playing Christmas music and picturing him ripping tissue and wrapping paper. It is the Christmas I can have with him in my thoughts.

I hope you all have a peaceful holiday and give a little wink to the stars tonight for little Colton. Merry Christmas.