Angel of Hope

Last night I attended a service called Angel of Hope. All over the country are Angel of Hope statues and last night, simultaneously, a candlelight service was held for people who have lost children of any age. I had the privilege of sharing Colton as I was asked to speak at this year's service. I thought I would share my words with those of you who didn't get to attend:

August 17th, 2008 changed my life because my child was born. December 15th, 2008 changed my life even more profoundly, because that was the day my baby became an Angel. My son, Colton, was born premature at 27 weeks. For 121 days he fought for every milestone and showed us a strength we never imagined in such a tiny package.

During this time, we anticipated his homecoming and dreamt of the years ahead we would spend watching him grow up. However, suddenly and swiftly Colton’s health took a turn for the worse and our time with him here had come to an end. The fleeting moments we had with our beautiful boy here on Earth held the thrill of parenthood. But it has been the moments since he became an angel that have been the most powerful.

After Colton passed, I searched for meaning and purpose. Through hours of tears and the long journey through grief, I have found peace in finding ways to have Colton remembered. As a parent who lost a child, my worst fear is that his life will be forgotten. Colton existed. He is my child today as much as he was on August 17th, 2008. Having Colton was a gift and I have taken that strength he showed me and found ways to keep his memory as alive as his spirit.

We have been able to honor him by starting Colton’s Kangaroo Club to provide gliders to the CHOC NICU for parents who want to spend their precious moments, just like we did, with their babies. We have had a team two years in a row at the CHOC Walk and raised almost $10,000 for CHOC Children’s. We have many plans in the near future for Colton’s Kangaroo Club and I am thrilled to have my son’s name attached to something so wonderful.

I am a proud parent and love to share my son. I want to talk about him and I want others to remember his strength and love. I have had my dark days, my moments of feeling cheated. I miss my son every moment of every day. Just as other mothers raise their children here on Earth, I believe that it is my job and my gift to nurture my son’s spirit and share the love and light he brought to those he touched.

I am here tonight to remember my son, just as you are here to remember your child, your niece, your nephew, your grandson or granddaughter. These precious souls left us too soon, but we can share them with others and they can live on through us. I’d like to share a poem with you all that encompasses those feelings and the life long journey we are all on. It’s entitled “My Child.”

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry,
I’m already crying inside.
Help me heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he’s been missed.
You ask me how I am doing,
I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But healing is something ongoing,
I feel like it will take a lifetime.

Peace be with you all.