New home, new holidays

December 1st. Been anticipating the arrival of this month all year, and not in a good way. Since I last wrote, I've moved. Leaving Colton's room was so very very hard. Packing up this things into a single box, taking each treasured piece I have of him and putting it into something that seems so impersonal was one of the hardest things I've had to do this year. Even though he never made it home, his room was sacred ground. I pumped for him in his room. I talked on the phone in his glider to friends and family about his progress. I went in there to reflect on his life, think about him and be with his things after he passed. It was Colton's room in every way, and leaving it felt like another loss. In my condo, I have photos of Colton in my bedroom and on my desk and I've found a special spot for some of his most treasured items, so I'm coping. I've recovered his glider and use it in my living room. I find myself rocking in it and it makes me feel a little better. :)

Since the big move is over, I find myself having more time to focus on what's around the corner. Colton's Angel Day is fast approaching. Last year, we were well into our four month fight for Colton's health and managed to put up the Christmas tree, but that was about it. Of course you all know that he passed 10 days before Christmas and it was surreal that we had put up the tree when he was alive and took it down when he was already gone. I was really hesitant to jump into the Christmas season this year because it is all tied to a visceral memory now. I allowed myself to just wing it and see how I felt when it came to decorations and participation in activities. In fact, I had pretty much resolved myself to NOT decorating this year. More on that in a minute.

So, Thanksgiving rolled around last week and I had several family events to attend and hadn't really given the holiday much thought. No dread or special meaning attached to it, so I was completely caught off guard when I woke up Thanksgiving morning and was a complete MESS. I woke up with a pit in my stomach, cried all morning and had a really, really hard time. I sat down with one of the photo books I have and went through it, trying to think about why I was having such a hard day. After much thought, I think it was that last year at Thanksgiving, Colton was probably in the best health he had been the entire journey. He was off the ventilator, we could hold him with out too many tubes/wires. He no longer needed an IV tree, he got to meet his great Grandpa and his great uncle Milan. We had so many neat memories packed into that week, and still had so much hope. Colton had appeared to defy what doctors had told us and looked like we were finally on the upswing. Nurses and family were all speculating on when he would finally come home in the new year. I got to watch Colton suck on a pacifier without a ventilator tube in his mouth and we could finally see his beautiful face without tape and tubes. In a way I felt like we had finally climbed to the top of some huge mountain. Colton showed us his best on Thanksgiving last year. I miss feeling so hopeful and being a proud parent. I was so proud of him. He had fought so hard for every little milestone and to hold him without tubes and watch him do something so ordinary like suck on a pacifier held so much awe.

I pulled myself together to head out to family events. My nephew was introduced to some of our family that he hadn't met before and it was hard that I didn't get introduce Colton to them ever. The selfish part of me feels cheated. I don't get to be a mommy. I don't get to pass my handsome boy around and watch him smile and play with new people. Holidays are hard because it is then when I'm slapped in the face with the harsh reality that my life is completely different than is was last year. In my heart I'll always be Colton's mommy, but as time marches on, the outside world just sees me as the old Amy. Single gal with no children. Kind of like I was 10 years ago, like nothing ever occured. I wish I could wear a sign on my forehead that says, I am Colton's mommy. Just because you don't see a baby doesn't mean I'm not a mommy.

After all the Thanksgiving hub-bub was over I turned on the holiday tunes and sat on my couch to see how I felt. I decided that I was going to put up a tree and do some light decorating. No matter what, I'm going to feel crappy. Why not do it with some holiday dressing? As I pulled out my ornaments for the tree, I came accross four ornaments that friends/family had given us for Colton as well as the stocking that the NICU nurses had made for him. I chose a special spot on the tree and put all his little ornaments/stocking together. I love that he has a spot on my tree. I'm happy that I pulled it all out and can enjoy a little of the holiday spirit.

I plan to write several entries over the next couple of weeks. There is much that happened last year that I didn't write about as at the time it was too jarring and sad to put into written word. I want to share with you this year the final days of our journey with Colton and some of the tiny miracles that occurred.

I miss you terribly Colton. I have many more good days than bad, but I hope you give me strength as we head into these next few weeks. Until someday my little man...